A dream is a wish your heart makes

A dream is a wish your heart makes, when you're fast asleep. ~Cinderella~

As much as I love my Disney, fairy-tale idealism will not get us anywhere. Journeying through our inaugural dance piece for Short+Sweet Dance Penang "Everyday Carry" has forced me to think of a motivation for my character. A character, very much like my real life, carries the daily responsibilities and routines with her; a life that is normal, which is fine, not exactly miserable or difficult... but yet her heart longs for something else, dreams of something else.

But how many of us truly takes action to get there? And how many just accepts life as it is?

This little poster shall be my daily mantra... to drive me to do the current as best I can, so that I can pave the way to the future I desire. Every little step forward cherished, every milestone, celebrated.

I started working in 2002, took a sabbatical in 2012. Started working back in 2013, so, the next sabbatical is due 2023, right? Will it last longer this time? Will I be able to go back to work when I need to? Let's shush these stupid questions from our heads and just work towards it anyway.

2023: that shall be my target date. Time to stop procrastinating, and turn my dreams, into goals, into plans, into actions... until they are final... true. 

Dreams do come true. ;-)

Belated New Year's Resolution

I did not make a new year's resolution this year. It's not my normal practice to list it during the transition between year but rather, I list it here on my "Poco a Poco" section by the side whenever a new resolution pops into my head. So it adds on or drops out once I no longer have that desire.

This year, I had several resolutions that popped into my head for no reason. Write a song a month for 12 months. The next year I'd have a whole album! But I didn't want to put this in my resolution list... as I want to enjoy the process of song-writing rather than a deadline stricken stressful process. So I put it in?? But but I need to write 2 songs in the next 2 weeks for a musical project anyways... at the very least I will comply first two months. But but but... I am performing this year, with crazy rehearsals I won't have the time. Let's just park aside this first.

Secondly. I want to revamp my home!! This is the wish list:
1. Get pest control services - I have some minor bugs problems.
2. Get a regular part time maid - my home is dirty and I am lazy, nuff said.
3. Get the peeling ceiling in the guestroom repaired and repainted... in case ever I have guests.
4. Get some nice potted plants, orchids perhaps? Or some practical herbs? Live green and contribute some O2.

Orchids or herbs? Whichever is easier to maintain of course!

5. Buy new curtains. Because the old one is... erm, old.
6. Repaint my bedroom turquoise and ivory... because I like turquoise a lot a lot.

something like this!

7. Redo my wet-kitchen... get those induction/electric stoves. Motivate myself to cook more & eat clean!

Lastly, I want to seriously put some thought, analysis and action into my entrepreneurial dream. I have absolutely no idea where to start but I must start somewhere. At the very least, think of what I want to sell? A physical product? A service? Or the ever so popular business model in the i-generation; middle-person or connector app/website?

So, 2015 seems kinda scarily full now. Maybe a month down the road I will drop off 70% of these resolutions. As long as I am happy, kan??

A little too green for a yellow

I love personality tests. I just love anything and everything to do with human behaviour. Always so fascinating!! ♥

I just did a Herrmann Brain Dominance Instrument during a training last month. Results show that I am a very very high yellow... a dash of red and a pinch of blue. But absolutely zero green-ness. Zilch!

Here is the overview of the 4 quadrants, what colour(s) are you?

Right now, my job feels very green and blue. Very.

I feel like a fish out of water

Yet I do like my team, and I do like the company. Anyway, I'm too new and it's too soon to move on. But I really really dread my daily work. It's really dreadful. Don't you wish you could test-drive a job before accepting it?? How now brown cow??

Picture Perfect

Have you ever awaken in the morning with the feeling that you have the best life in the world? That there isn't a single thing you want to change? That you are happy, contented and feel so thankful to God for everything you could cry? That your life is picture perfect!

I have. I had it for a whole year! I am very fortunate. (or unfortunate maybe?) Because that blissful feeling is etched so deeply in your soul that you will remember it for life. And going back to imperfection feels wrong. Now what can I do to fix this imperfection and make it picture perfect again?

Having a picture perfect life is different for everyone.
For me it's; more time with God, more time with hubby, more time for family, more time for arts, more time for friends, more time for my cats, more fulfilling social or community work & more meaning to life.

Picture perfect indeed 

The Affordability to be Poor

A month ago I started a temporary job at StART. It's a project bound job rather than a time bound one, I only had to come into the office 2hr a day, 2days a week. And I had only committed until the end of December, for a start. The deal is, if I find the "proper" job of my dreams by January, I will continue this fundraising project after-working hours. If I don't find it, I will continue full-time doing this project until March.

Maggie!!

The office is a small little room with 2 work-desks, shared by 5 of us. In the compound, is a colourful van named Maggie, a non-working pool - we cannot afford to maintain it :( , a pond and the occasional friendly neighbourhood biawak. I just get paid a small salary... with no employee benefits, allowances or fat bonuses. Freelancer ma.

Hardly the money, the perks or the luxurious private office I get in the corporate world kan?

StART's debut at Urbanscapes

Yet, how has it been so far? Not only have I been hanging out in the office every freaking weekday, and even some of the weekend events because the people are awesome. I am actually looking forward to work days. I finish my work ahead of time most of the time because my inspiration keeps pouring in... overflowing even!! I am so excited to have them read my stories, my scripts and to add their little own witty bits in it.

StART family!! Boss behind d camera :p

I love spending the time with the team, they feel like family. Everyone is so wonderful and caring and super passionate about their work. The positive energy is totally contagious! Everybody has the same purpose that drives them to work, to see these kids' talents flourish. My boss is not just "tolerating" my commitment to performance arts, he is playing the lead role in the very same production and his commitment to rehearsals are even higher than me!!

Dammit! Why can't giant corporate organizations be so bloody awesome? Passionate people, common purpose, selflessness, understanding team-mates, super high trust & honesty...etc etc :( :( :( If ever I becomes like a GM or something, I shall instill this kind of culture. :)

Dammit! First Musical Theatre, now Writing for an ngo. I just love falling for jobs that don't pay don't I?? Well, I survived on a small salary before 10 years ago, why can't I 10 years later? Let's see:
1. 10 years ago, I did not have my own house to pay for. Now, I share this expense with hubby.
2. 10 years ago, I did not have so many stupid insurances to pay for. Now, I am covered for a gazillion different things.
3. 10 years ago, I was driving a cute little Kancil. Now, I am driving a Mazda 3 - Sport.
4. 10 years ago, my lifestyle was a lot simpler. Now, I have gym memberships, facials-packages, travelling plans, etc etc every year.
5. 10 years ago, my parents were still working. Now, they are my dependents.
6. Inflation!!!

I suppose epf can take care of #1, I can get rid of #2 and #3. And due to my sabbatical, I have already gotten rid of #4. And #6 is something totally out of my control and inevitable, ggahh!

But #5, a responsibility for another human being is something that I will never have the heart to be irresponsible with. I know they will freak out if I even downgrade my car to a Kancil... "losing face" is something dead serious for them. So, because of my daughterly irresponsibility, I cannot afford to be poor.

So, this is precisely the reason why I do not want kids... not before, not now, not ever! If I have motherly responsibilities on top of daughterly responsibilities, I cannot afford to be poor. I myself, is more than willing to sacrifice things that money can buy, for my love of things that money cannot buy. But I cannot force the people I am responsible for, to sacrifice the same thing. I may not be able to choose not to be a daughter, but I have the choice, not to be a mother.

So, if anyone asks me why I don't want children... this is my answer... I want to have The Affordability to be Poor. Do you have The Affordibility to be Poor??

Can't have it all... can I?

I know I have lotsa exciting things to blog about such as my nice long trip to the US, my Broadway experience... or my long-time dream to be cast in a Dama Orchestra production finally coming true. (yayyyyyy!!!)

But I realize I am back to reality... and I have paths to try and decisions to make. That was the sole purpose of this sabbatical. The fantasy part of this sabbatical is over. No more overseas trips lined up, no more Broadway-dreaming, no more siu lai lai-ism. Just the falling sands in my hour-glass telling me that my sabbatical time and my sabbatical funding is running. Sure, I've planned for a year... but a year can go by in a blink of an eye without getting a conclusion if I am not careful or disciplined to see through my plans.

I need to make a choice for my future... so, what are my options??? Let's be analytical and practical... my 3 main sources of joy in my career: my passion in performance arts, my fascination for marketing and like every other human on this planet... money! With that, I've plotted my Venn Chart:

Perfect Option: Note that the middle section where my perfect career choice lies... does not exist. No corporate giant would be happy pay big bucks to hire a marketeer who is committed to moonlight as an arts performer... no matter how good you are. That is a fact that I have learnt and accepted while juggling the arts in my last 2 jobs. In fact, they were both jobs which I did enjoy doing. :-( Start my own company?? Spoken to a few entrepreneur friends and more often than not, this requires even more time commitment than the rat-race, which means no time for arts!!

Option 1: Corporate rat-rate; been there done that, can always go back... but giving up the arts is NOT an option at the moment.
Option 2: Financial product salesperson; cold calls to strangers who hang up on you, stands you up for appointments but it sure pays damn well. Not attracted to the process but I do like the money and time flexibility. KIV.
Option 3: Free-lance marketeer; not always available and doesn't pay much. You can end up doing mostly sales free-lancing for them rather than actual marketing. Just landed my first free-lance marketing/sales job with a magazine... no fixed pay, just variable pay based on my output. Fair enough. Will give it a try first, I start today.

First step taken... let's see how it goes. Will not give up hoping or looking for that elusive but precious center piece of my Venn Chart. Wish me luck!! =)

Neither safe, nor politic, nor popular... but Right!

Last Saturday, I experienced first hand... what it was like to stand up for my belief, principle and right. I attended the Bersih 3.0 rally at Dataran Merdeka... a place close to our patriotic hearts, where we have our Merdeka Day berkawad every year. If this was a pro-opposition or anti-government movement, I most definitely would NOT have gone. I believe that there are heroes and villains on both sides. So, why did I brave myself to endure Bersih 3.0 with thousands of other Malaysians last Saturday??? Because I believe in standing up for a clean and fair election. Fairness, transparency and integrity... people who know me especially those who have worked with me, would know that I, myself hold the highest standards of transparency and integrity in my own life. So, why wouldn't I demand the same for the leaders of my beloved country??

It started as a rather peaceful and cool morning. Hubby & I had dim sum for breakfast and started walking to the Sri Petaling LRT. I was a bit kiasu, kiasi in case of police blocks or anti-Bersih vandals... etc so did not want to drive to the station. I parked far far away. But as we made our way there on foot, there were no police blocks, hardly any cars... very quiet. We reached the station and called a colleague of mine whom we were gonna group with, Ko. But there were people in his group who were late. So being the kiasu kiasi person that I was, worried the LRTs will cease services soon, we went off to Plaza Rakyat first without them. We could always meet up later.

Petaling Street was already full of people in yellow. People who brought their families, their musical instruments and of course some brought banners. Felt more like a street-party.

A guy even parked his van on the street giving out free water to the crowd.  

I had my share of one of my favourite childhood drinks in Petaling Street, Air Mata Kucing... the original one!! Yummy for a hot sunny day.

We then managed to meet up with Ko and gang at McD Jalan Silang even with the limited phone line reception on that day. Be it Maxis, Digi or whatever... hhhmmm, fishy. My dancing-pal, Ynez was also there.

The whole morning was just a nice peaceful street party in KL. Smiling faces greet you in the crowd. Families brought their kids, old folks & and even the disabled to the event. It felt rather welcoming and fun actually. The only unwelcoming vibes came from the stern-faced policemen wondering around in groups or in their trucks. Which is why, our preparation consists of swimming goggles, wet face-towel, ear-plugs, water, salt... hmmm... all things to protect ourselves from things that they police "may" do to us but no preparation of what the "rowdy" rally crowds "may" do to us. Really shows who we trust more.

Anyway, with the bad publicity for the government in Bersih 2.0 last year... I had a lot of faith that the government will tone down their "attacks" this time round. Although, I was prepared for their wrath... deep down in my heart, I naively still had faith that they will not attack their citizens.

Some were not so shy to share their feelings about our ministers. Teehehehehe...

Besides the Bersihians, there were also other groups there making their voices heard. Anti-Lynas group, Pengerang group and some I do not recognize. The most disciplined group practically berkawad in organized line-ups and uniform, was PAS's Unit Amal. They listened to instructions from their group leader and stuck together in an organized fashion. I memang respect and salute this group... they really give an excellent testimony for peaceful sincerely God-fearing Muslims.

Although hubby initially didn't want to go any further as he said that it was too packed up front already. I gungho-ly said I wanted to go further front. I wanna be able to see Dataran Merdeka and all the stuff going on there. Why come all this way to just be way to be left out of the Dataran Merkeka happenings?? So, we followed a fellow churchmate, Andy... who's super huge stature helped to clear the path in front of us like an ambulance in the traffic jam. Hehehehe. We went so front that we could see the police barricade at Dataran Merdeka. There, we truly truly could not go any further.

So, since the idea was to Duduk Bantah...

Some of us sat down on the road to truly embrace the peaceful nature of this rally.... Duduk and Bantah. But because many people were NOT sitting down, it can be quite suffocating to be a quarter of the crowds' height. So I stood back up. Also, I was curious to see what was happening in front. 

And then I heard roars of cheers and claps as a truck passes and hubby told me it was Datuk Ambiga, Dato' Seri Anwar Ibrahim and gang passing by in a truck. Macam celebrities yo... "donch pray pray". Then there were some speeches going on and all, but I could not hear a thing in the noise of the crowd.

Suddenly, I saw a giant Bendera Malaysia crossed from the crowd, across the barricade, into Dataran Merdeka. I was thinking... hmmm... did they police open the barricade after some persuasive speech from those leaders on the truck?? Or did they move in on their own?? I could not see the person holding the giant bendera.... The crowd also was not sure but they shouted "Yay, masuk! masuk!!" victoriously. Suddenly from afar, I spotted fountains of water about 3 storeys high. Water cannon!!! Oh no, the police definitely did not open up the barrier for bendera-guy. Hubby and I put on our swimming goggles first. Then took out our wet face-towels. The crowd reacted quickly too... we turned 180° and started walking. We were shoulder to shoulder with the crowd. Suddenly we feel the burning sensation in our lungs and on our skin. We saw many young Malay boys without goggles who were not only choking, but tearing and their eyes turned red. Although they had it worse than us, one of them began passing out salt to us and to the crowd shouting "garam! garam! ambik!!" and I took some from him. Hubby was passing out his bottled water to these poor boys to wash their face and eyes. Then we felt another dose fired closer to us when I too, started choking. A Unit Amal PAS man shouted, "jangan tolak! ada orang tua!" and I saw him helping an old Chinese uncle who looked even way older than my parents.... couldn't possibly be any younger than 70. 

So, the whole crowd... breathing in the suffocating teargas walked shoulder to shoulder packed along the road together. I saw 2 men who sat on the floor but people still looked out for them and went around them. No one was trampled. I heard an Indian aunty in front of me reciting a Catholic prayer, I heard a Malay man's voice praying to Allah... even in this chaos, these people uphold the first Rukunegara: Kepercayaan Kepada Tuhan. I started praying in my heart too. 

We finally reached a divergence in the road and it was not longer so packed. There was more space but no breathable air nonetheless. Everyone was still suffocating with fresh teargas shot at the crowd eventhough we were far from the Dataran now. We were back in Jalan Silang. Finally, the air cleared and we could finally breathe normally. There were still people on speakers chanting "Hidup, hidup.... Hidup rakyat!"

We casually walked back to Petaling Street to look for food. Wanted to have some Gui Ling Gao to cool down after being teargassed by my own government. But it was sold out!! Once in a while there'd still be remnant of teargas blown into Petaling Street. We figured, they were still being fired right outside Petaling Street so we stayed within the street. Got to know from Ko that the LRT station is closed and the trains were not stopping at this area, the nearest would have to be in Hang Tuah. Andy was trapped in Masjid Jamek station as he went into the station right before the police closed it up and instructed the trains not to stop at these stations. Why in the world are they trying to trap us all here instead of allowing us to disperse and go home?? Having too much fun shooting at us??? Wouldn't arresting those who breached the barricades suffice?? Wouldn't that be a more rational solution?

So, we bravely went out of Petaling Street to get into Nando's for a bite before leaving the scene. Bumped into some friends as we swapped our Bersih 3.0 stories. After which, we walked to Hang Tuah station and made our way home.

Yes, home... the reason we want to fight for a better cleaner fairer election, is because this is home. And we want a good future for our home. We love our home, we love Malaysia, and we will continue to love it and fight for it... teargassed, water cannoned or whatever.

Dine in the Dark

I had the opportunity to experience Dine In The Dark during my Bangkok trip. It was a nice fine dining place at The Ascott, but I had no clue what the restaurant looks like except for the fact that it was filled with curtains/veils on the inside.

It was a strange yet enjoyable experience. It really showed me how dependent I am on my sight... my sight affects how I taste, how I hear, how I speak, how I feel and how I think. They are all linked whenever we experience anything in our daily lives. When you take out one of the elements from that linkage, you make the whole experience unfamiliar and strange.

8 of us went for this dinner and I only knew Natasha... the rest were strangers to me. That made the experience even more interesting for me. We were all led into the restaurant and to our seats by our blind waiters. The waiter also explained to us what was in front of us, where are our glasses: water and wine, where are all our cutlery, and he always tells us when he was serving us each of our course. But never does he describe what he is serving us.

I knew Natasha sat next to me but I didn't know who sat in front of me. So the conversation started with an intro as usual... erm... not quite so usual.

Me: "hi, I am Karynn" 

A voice in the dark: "hi, I am Ben" 

Me: "hi Ben, erm... sorry but I'm not sure which one was you as I was introduced to 6 new people all at once and I haven't quite placed the names on the faces yet." 

A voice in the dark: "It's ok, I don't know which one was you either, I am the only one here who does not work at whisper"

Me: "whisper???" 

A voice in the dark: "Ya"

Me: "... ... ..." (In my head I was wondering what he was saying) "I know Natasha from University, she's the only one I know here, the rest of you work with her at that World Society of Protection of Animals right?"

A voice in the dark: "That's whisper (WSPA). I don't work there, I am a photographer"

Me: (ting! lightbulb... oh WSPA, duh!)

Then there was the appetizer:

Me: "hmm, is this chicken?? eh, there is some crispy stuff on it...  what is that?' 

Natasha: "er, dunno, but it's definitely chicken. But sometimes I end up with nothing on my fork"

Me:  "hey, this salad portion must be huge, it seems to go on forever" (hmmm, how big is this bowl anyway, raba-raba the bowl. where in the world are the veges, lantak, probe in with fingers at a fine dining restaurant...muahahah nobody will know)

A voice in the dark: "I think I will use my fingers... since no one can see anyway"

Me: "Ya ya!! I already am. It's so much easier" (*grin*, macam la orang nampak)

Then, the main course:

Me: (sniff sniff) "how come got no smell??"

Natasha: "Is it pork??"

Me: (nom nom nom) "Hmmm, maybe... but the sauce is so sweet"

A voice in the dark: "I think it is duck"

Me: (nom nom nom, eh eh... it IS duck. ) Oh yeah, it IS duck! (shucks, I can't tell pork from duck?? @.@)

The dessert:

Me: "Oh, I taste bananas and ice cream!! yum... and some crispy stuff"

Natasha: "Is there cake??"

Me: "Dunno, I think I'm gonna use fingers again"

There were parts of conversation which was really strange because I could not see if the voice in the dark heard what I was saying, so I stopped halfway... until he asked more questions. Wasn't sure if people were talking to you or to the person next to you or next to them. All you hear are voices, you can't see the direction they are looking at, the expression on their face and everything.

We finally came out and saw the food displayed in light at the reception!!! Wooohooo, light & sight never felt so good before!!! We had a Chinese chicken salad with deep fried meehoon, then duck with a fruity sweet sauce, and a cake thingy with vanilla ice cream and bananas.

What I learnt?? Don't take your sight for granted!!!! And don't just depend on sight, all your other senses are just as important!

The cocktail that is... Bangkok

There's plenty of things to do in Bangkok. This city truly has a wonderful mix of the old and the new, the east and the west... and endless creativity. If you're looking for places to go for a drink or two, you'd be spoiled for choice. The day I arrived, Natasha brought me to this place called the Iron Fairies. The place was very small, dark but packed with people. They serve cocktails in the form of fairy potions, I had some fairy dust with dragonfly wings and such. Yumz!! Refreshing but weird-looking... I could not make out what else was in it except for watermelon juice. The jazz band was good, not too noisy and they do all the all time favourites like "It Had to Be You", "L.O.V.E" and "The Way You Look Tonight". The petite Thai singer had a sweet voice but it was obvious she didn't understood a word and memorized what she hears... or at least what she thinks she hears. :p

Decor was old and weird, yet cosy & inviting.

Hey, they are in New York too???? Jeng, jeng jeng!

Since Natasha is a photography enthusiast, I decided to tag along with her for one of her photography expeditions. We woke up at 5++am to make it to this event. Sun rises pretty early so, it didn't feel all that super early to me. I was wide awake. Perhaps because Bangkok is 1 hour behind KL time anyway. We saw a sea of bald men and bald boys in orange robes. Not sure exactly what it was but it must be some kind of Buddhist festival.

Climbing up the closed parking lot building to get to the top.... to get a bird's eye view

Ta-da!!! There were suppose to be around 20,000 monks (I think.)

some went on top of a crane for that view

some on the roof of other buildings... and up to something even more

look! it's a bird, it's a plane, no... its... a remote control helicopter with a camera!!

Yes, photography enthusiasts go all the way to capture the best angle or view of their object of interest. Rather interesting but photography is really not my thang. My idiot-proof point-and-shoot camera is good enough for me. I don't take photos as a photographer, I take photos as a story-teller. I'll be motivated to take a shot if my eureka bells ring in my head that I can fit that photo into my story. :)

The Thai government loves creativity, promotes creativity and funds many non-profit projects to encourage creativity among its people. We visit the Bangkok Art & Culture Centre where I was warned, there will be exhibits in there that does not make sense.

Bangkok Art and Culture Centre

I liked the first exhibition of photography work by Philippe Ramette where he "engineered" photographs that seems to defy gravity. No photography allowed in there so if you are curious, go click his link & download his portfolio. Amazing photos... all untouched-up. Some, we could figure out how he did it... some we could not. Loved that one!

A group of Australian aborigines also displayed their stuff but their stuff were too abstract and un-understandable. Some of it was too dark and gave me the creeps too. Next was another un-understandable exhibition to raise awareness of HIV. Some of it were alright but mostly mind boggling, which is weird. How do you raise awareness when people cannot understand it??

The next one I liked was the hair art. Art pieces created by human hair... hair of cancer patients who lost their hair after chemotherapy. Sad but beautiful. This one I felt could really pull heart strings and increase public awareness of cancer.

Another cool place to go for drinks is at the rooftop bars. We went to the one in Banyan Tree... where the view is of higher priority than safety. Hehehe, the side railings were only waist high. But that was what made it so awesome compared to those practically 80% covered with glass ones like those in KL. You want to feel that rooftop breeze in your face and the adrenaline rush when you stand by the side of the railings and look at the long long looooong journey down. ;)

I is not afraid of heights... I love heights!

My melon-y cocktail... can't remember the name as I love to order stuff that I don't know what's in it. Yummy!  

My visit to the Thailand Cultural Center was a very disappointing one. They were under renovations... no shows, no exhibitions. Bleh. 

The garden decor was nice though... since I was already there might as well hang around. I <3 <3 Orchids!!!

 

Other than all these art/cultural centres, they even applied their creativity in other areas... an area that thrives in Bangkok, Shopping!! Terminal 21, just another mall?? Not quite... A mall with fancy design?? Kind of. A mall with the theme of an airport.

Every floor you go is a different city, Rome

even the decor and structure of the toilets are in theme with the floor's city

artsy roman ceilings

You can depart from one city and arrive at the next city in.... 30seconds!! How I wish travelling is that fast. I was in Tokyo and in a blink of an eye, I was in London.

even the guards' uniforms matches the city of the floor they patrol!

I wasn't as amazed by the theme as I was amazed by the extent of the details and the commitment to the design. If you wanna do something, do it all they way... that, is the commitment to an idea that can bring something to life!!

Also, hung out at the Thailand Creative and Design Centre (TCDC). Unfortunately, only 1 of the galleries was opened. The rotating exhibitions were not opened. :( Was hoping to find displays of new young and upcoming designers that I like and can collaborate with to start my own brand. Sigh... I just took random namecards at TCDC and hopefully I will strike one that I like?? My search continues. TCDC had lots of literature from magazine to books on ALL sorts of design and art; namecard design, garden design, fashion, architecture, interior design, set design, costume design, playwright, theatre directing, and many many many more. There's a cafe there that aspiring artists or designers can hang out and do their research there as well. Cool right? 

Next up... the blind leading the sight???