For Good

As I embark on my job-hunt, these interviews really help you reflect. A popular question "What are some of your areas of improvement?" Nice way to say weaknesses... er, I am only human, sure plenty, kan??

I don't know about corporate flers, but art practitioners crave to get feedback. We'd open the newspapers the day after opening night to read reviews, we stay back after shows for our director's notes. Was our singing off pitch? Intentions unclear? Bad diction? The very next day, we will try our best to fix whatever comment the best we can, be extra vigilant on those areas of improvement.

Feeding on criticism, of course, can go beyond just the arts... if we would only endure the occasional burst of ego-bubble from critics with good intent, those who are honest enough and care enough to help us grow.

Critic 1: Anish

Remember how he got me to my cheese? Well, in the process of finding the cheese & all ... he too gave me 2 distinct criticisms that I can recall: I was too risk-averse & low sense of urgency. At the time, whatever ideas I had, stayed ideas in my head. "no guts to implement? maybe now is not the time yet? maybe I shouldn't fix what is not broken?" Yup, I was like that... but I tried to fix it. Not overnight but little by little, I got a bit braver, more adventurous, and as a result, I was much faster too. If you asked my team in my most recent job in Abbott, I was a feisty, gutsy, out-of-the-box, high sense of urgency person... & will drive them up the wall (or vice versa hehe) if they were conventional or slow. The biggest risk in my career? Taking this sabbatical to pursue the arts; Will I get back the kind of job I like? Can I start back where I left off? Or will I have to make sacrifices & rebuild my corporate reputation from scratch? I still keep Anish's whatsapp message "I know you'll do well, keep following your heart"!! :)

Critic 2: Ai-Hong

My favourite boss, mentor, friend in my entire corporate career. Her critique? You need to be more sharp with numbers. I was indeed quite often careless with numbers but she was super sharp & meticulous. I may have been a math-whiz way back in school but after graduation, after deciding to give an engineering career a miss, I got too lazy to practice it anymore. Use it or lose it. So, it was time to revive the engineer in me. I gotta check and recheck all my data constantly. Then guess what? A few years down the road, I got a distinction in my Finance module in my MBA. Finance! @.@ Sure boh? *blink hard hard* Look at my transcript again, yup! And most recently, I was offered a business analyst job. Huh? Miss artsy fartsy? An analyst? No lar... it's just a part of my mentor which was left behind in me, among all the other amazing stuff that she taught me.

Critic 3: Kerry-Ann

She was the first ever choreographer I had to work with, in my first every production back in 2009. The first person I ever knew who had a Bachelors Degree in Dance!! I remember struggling to understand what she wants... "you need to be in character! what does your character want? what does she feel?" Huh? I thought dancing meant, 5-6-7-8 step here, turn there, fling out an arm, turn to the right, etc etc. What's all this inside-out thing she's talking about? I didn't get her, she didn't get why I didn't get it. She shouted until I cried one day. But after that, little by little, I understood her a little more. Not entirely but just a little more each day. Eh, eh... she stopped shouting. "Now we're getting somewhere" was probably in both our minds. In the end, the choreography was what stole the show. Suddenly I was enlightened that dance, was way beyond what was just physical and mechanical. We've been great friends ever since!

Critic 4: Kai Loon

My very first epic musical, first time having a serious role, first time working with Dama Orchestra. Nerves and anxiety got the best of me. During rehearsals, Kai Loon repeatedly said that I kept looking "lost" on stage, my intentions either unclear or complete blank. Yikes! First production with them, I really really didn't want to screw things up. I tried & I tried, but to no avail... he still repeated I looked lost. Lost? What did that even mean? I wanted to badly to do well and I didn't know what to do about it... I just woke up one morning & cried to hubby. Then I asked for a private rehearsal session with Kai Loon, I wrote down my sub-texts for every single phrase spoken while I was on stage. Went through each and every scene with him. Finally, progress. Yippee! After every nights performance, he would email us his super long and detailed director's notes in the wee hours of the morning. I keep refreshing my gmail... refresh, refresh, until I fell asleep. First thing I do when my phone alarm-clock goes off in the morning, refresh gmail! Everyday, each performance, I dread to see in my email "Lady Liu looks lost"... but opening night, don't have, 2nd show, don't have, 5th show, none, 10th show, still none, 20th, none, none, none. Yayyy!!!!!

God know I still have more stuff to work on... am definitely not gonna publish them here on a public blog. :p Well, God sends help in the form of other people to slap me into realization. Sometimes I just can't see these things myself & need people in my life to be my third-eye.

This song below is dedicated to all you people in my life ♫ ♬ "who has helped me most to grow, ♫ because I knew you, ♩ I have been changed... for good"♬ ♩.

I am eternally grateful to you... I love you guys!! Hugz! =) 

Then and now

Back in high-school, I sang in an a-capella group. First we were Karla Ryka, then Dejavu, then As If, then Citadel... yeah, we were indecisive. :-p We used to sing together in class after school & sometimes get "caught" by teachers or prefects thinking we brought a radio to class. On some Saturday mornings, we'd walk to school while singing, building our singing stamina. We sang in inter-school talent competitions and we made it for Asia Bagus once too. Those were the days.

1995 - Sri Garden Talentshow

17 years later... we had our reunion performance at our group member, Kim's wedding. Congratulations to Kim and Kelvin!!! A very beautiful personalized wedding... with a dedication from the bride to her groom. Romantic, kan? :-)

2012 - Kel & Kim's wedding

The Year That Was 2012

I suppose I could do the shortcut by using the FB 2012 review thingy, but there is definitely more personal touch in my own story of 2012. (more accurate too... FB 2012 review shows that I got married this year when I did that almost 4 years ago :p)

One word to sum up 2012?? AMAZING!!!

It was the year I swallowed my pride, took the risk, and took that leap of faith to take a long break after 10 years of life in the corporate world. No work? No money? *gasp* What did I do for food? Car loan? House loan? What did I do with all that extra time?? Let's see:

1. March: Cambodian mission-trip to Kampong Speu.

2. March: My Bangkok mission to source for clothes suppliers may have failed miserably but I had an artsy trip instead and my first awesome experience Dining in the Dark.

3. April: Auditioned for Everworld, the Musical which sparked my brand new spiritual journey in SIBKL for 2012.

4. May: My first vacation with my mom!! Due to time constraints, normally my sis is the one who brings her for vacations.

5. June - July: My first trip to the USA with my sis, to visit my bestfriend of almost 20 years, aka Sui Poh! & my first taste of Broadway, New York!!!





6. Aug: My first ever dance gig, with awesome dancers Kerry-Ann & Megan.

7. Aug: My first time acting for TV, as an extra in Small Mission Enterprise, NTV7. That episode was only aired on 27th Dec. Awkward seeing myself on TV, perhaps I will stick to live theatre... hehehe.

8. Sept: Wrote and composed my first ever musical together with hubby. And our piece won big time!!

9. Oct: My first ever (hopefully not the last) musical with Dama Orchestra, Empress Wu the Musical!! Such an awesome bunch of people to work with.

10. Nov: Work for a non-profit organisation, StART... an art school for underprivileged children. Working for a good cause is truly and amazing experience.

11. Dec: Everworld, The Musical! The most epic production I have ever done for Christmas... with a memorable journey of lots of learnings along the way.





I thank God for all the doors He has opened for me this year, I thank God for providing for me through my broke-ness of this sabbatical and thank Him even more so, for the people He has brought to my life: my hubby, my family, old friends, new friends, journey-mates and everyone that was part of this amazing journey of 2012!!!

See you in 2013!!!! Happy New Year!!!!

Passion and Purpose

As we are approaching the finale of the Everworld journey, I am beginning to feel the post-production syndrome... a tad early but that sad feeling of love-and-lost has begun. Tears well up in my eyes just thinking about 26th Dec when it's all over. :-(...

I reflect back on all the productions I have ever been in. ALWAYS without fail, I get that post-production syndrome, missing the people, missing the journey, missing the entire emotional attachment to the production.  Were any of the productions perfect? The people, the process, the resources, the everything... was any of it so perfectly flawless that we miss being in that perfect team, perfect job, perfect atmosphere?

Nope! Far from it. There are always things that you love and things that frustrates you to the bone in every single journey. Every single journey has its ups and downs. Yet we do it again & again & love it!

What makes a theatre production different from a corporate project? Why then don't we miss our corporate projects, processes and colleagues so much that we get all emotional and tearry-eyed when a project ends? They are all projects right? They involve living breathing human beings, right? They all involve a journey right?

There are probably more but I have zoomed down to just 2 distinctive differences:

One - Purpose

In corporate, the people involved in each project have their own goals. They are using the project as a stepping stone to reach those goals. Very rarely does a person's own goals matches the organization's fancy schmancy vision.

In a theatre production, everyone just wants to put on a good show. 1 lousy actor or 1 lousy sound engineer can ruin the entire show causing bad ticket sales, bad reviews, oh the humiliation! So, people help each other to ensure they achieve their "selfish" goals of putting on a good show.

Two - Passion

In corporate, some of the people are doing it in exchange for something (money, status, sense of stability, etc). Of course there are some who are truly passionate about the cause or the work but the majority are there because they are exchanging their time and efforts for something. They more miserable they feel about their job, the more they feel "entitled" to more rewards. It's about the rewards, not the work or the cause itself.

In theatre, there is no money, no fame, nothing else to gain but to put on a show. You don't get billboards in your name or appear on a silver screen. You do theatre because, well... you love doing theatre. The doing itself IS the reward.

But of course in all cases there are an exception or two but the team's vibe is driven by the majority.

I'm just using theatre because I am a theatre-pratitioner but I am sure there are other examples out there with that common passion and purpose such as working for an NGO or professional sports or an orchestra or so forth. But wouldn't it be wonderful to find a company with a bunch of people with that common passion and purpose?? Where people love what they do or love the cause behind it.  I'm still looking... Let's see how it goes. :-)

How to Eat A Whole Cow

How now brown cow?

How do you eat a whole cow?? You cut it into parts of digestible size, and eat it part by part of course. You can have rendang beef today, BBQ beef ribs tomorrow, and steak the next day. Before you know it, you will be down to Oxtail soup and you're done!

It is the same thing with when you are given any big task. You break it down into smaller parts and take it one part at a time.

We usually get overwhelmed by the size of the cow task. Then wallow in self-pity or complain over how unreasonable it is to eat a cow do the task. By the time we finish lamenting, we could have used it to finish up 2 pieces of steak parts of the task. Just calmly break it down, count our resources (BBQ sauce? Curry spices? ;)) and take it one part at a time. In fact, when it is in small parts, we will actually enjoy it.

Task 1: You need to finish your MBA dissertation. 26,000 words plus loads of surveys and analysis prior to the 26,000 words. Same thing, Breathe in, breathe out. Break it down. Just do it one part at a time. Before you know it, done!! Graduation time! Wheeeee!

Task 2: You are asked to prepare analyze a gazillion files of numbers & numbers & numbers, prepare 50 worksheets and 100 slides, x 2 slide-decks!! Aaarrggghh! Die, die, no?? No. Just look through all the resources you have... how much time? Anyone else around who can be of help? Break it down to smaller, more digestible parts, do it one part at a time. Before you know it, eh?? Done. Huh? That was it?? Easy peasy.

Task 2: You need to do from scratch; a murder investigation story plot, come up with real clues, misleading clues, background stories, characters, possible audience reaction and interaction scenarios, write the script, plan the timeline, conduction auditions, find a bunch of talented actors willing to work for free, direct, rehearsals, stage the whole thing & raise funds for a good cause....Aaaaargggghhh... I am but a mere actress, never have I ever done this before in my life!! Right, right??? Let's see, I already had rendang beef, and the sirloin steak. I think I shall have some BBQ beef ribs today. No sign of Oxtail soup yet, but I am sure I'll get there if I don't stop at BBQ beef ribs. ^_^

The Affordability to be Poor

A month ago I started a temporary job at StART. It's a project bound job rather than a time bound one, I only had to come into the office 2hr a day, 2days a week. And I had only committed until the end of December, for a start. The deal is, if I find the "proper" job of my dreams by January, I will continue this fundraising project after-working hours. If I don't find it, I will continue full-time doing this project until March.

Maggie!!

The office is a small little room with 2 work-desks, shared by 5 of us. In the compound, is a colourful van named Maggie, a non-working pool - we cannot afford to maintain it :( , a pond and the occasional friendly neighbourhood biawak. I just get paid a small salary... with no employee benefits, allowances or fat bonuses. Freelancer ma.

Hardly the money, the perks or the luxurious private office I get in the corporate world kan?

StART's debut at Urbanscapes

Yet, how has it been so far? Not only have I been hanging out in the office every freaking weekday, and even some of the weekend events because the people are awesome. I am actually looking forward to work days. I finish my work ahead of time most of the time because my inspiration keeps pouring in... overflowing even!! I am so excited to have them read my stories, my scripts and to add their little own witty bits in it.

StART family!! Boss behind d camera :p

I love spending the time with the team, they feel like family. Everyone is so wonderful and caring and super passionate about their work. The positive energy is totally contagious! Everybody has the same purpose that drives them to work, to see these kids' talents flourish. My boss is not just "tolerating" my commitment to performance arts, he is playing the lead role in the very same production and his commitment to rehearsals are even higher than me!!

Dammit! Why can't giant corporate organizations be so bloody awesome? Passionate people, common purpose, selflessness, understanding team-mates, super high trust & honesty...etc etc :( :( :( If ever I becomes like a GM or something, I shall instill this kind of culture. :)

Dammit! First Musical Theatre, now Writing for an ngo. I just love falling for jobs that don't pay don't I?? Well, I survived on a small salary before 10 years ago, why can't I 10 years later? Let's see:
1. 10 years ago, I did not have my own house to pay for. Now, I share this expense with hubby.
2. 10 years ago, I did not have so many stupid insurances to pay for. Now, I am covered for a gazillion different things.
3. 10 years ago, I was driving a cute little Kancil. Now, I am driving a Mazda 3 - Sport.
4. 10 years ago, my lifestyle was a lot simpler. Now, I have gym memberships, facials-packages, travelling plans, etc etc every year.
5. 10 years ago, my parents were still working. Now, they are my dependents.
6. Inflation!!!

I suppose epf can take care of #1, I can get rid of #2 and #3. And due to my sabbatical, I have already gotten rid of #4. And #6 is something totally out of my control and inevitable, ggahh!

But #5, a responsibility for another human being is something that I will never have the heart to be irresponsible with. I know they will freak out if I even downgrade my car to a Kancil... "losing face" is something dead serious for them. So, because of my daughterly irresponsibility, I cannot afford to be poor.

So, this is precisely the reason why I do not want kids... not before, not now, not ever! If I have motherly responsibilities on top of daughterly responsibilities, I cannot afford to be poor. I myself, is more than willing to sacrifice things that money can buy, for my love of things that money cannot buy. But I cannot force the people I am responsible for, to sacrifice the same thing. I may not be able to choose not to be a daughter, but I have the choice, not to be a mother.

So, if anyone asks me why I don't want children... this is my answer... I want to have The Affordability to be Poor. Do you have The Affordibility to be Poor??

Feed or starve, the choice is yours

Plutchik-Wheel of emotions

Emotions:

- A strong feeling deriving from one’s circumstances, mood, or relationships with others. (Oxford Dictionary)

- The affective aspect of consciousness / a state of feeling / a conscious mental reaction (as anger or fear) subjectively experienced as strong feeling usually directed toward a specific object and typically accompanied by physiological and behavioral changes in the body. (Merriam-Webster Dictionary)

- A discrete and consistent responses to internal or external events which have a particular significance for the organism. (Wikipedia)

- A natural instinctive state of mind deriving from one's circumstances, mood, or relationships with others. (Google Dictionary)

Can we control them? Some people think we actors have on-off switches to turn on whatever emotions we want. It's not really that simple. Lots of preparation goes before we can achieve those emotions on stage.

I don't think that I can control my emotions. However, I've realized a neat little trick. An emotion is very much like a living thing. It can grow bigger and stronger or it can get weaker and even die. So, just like a living thing, you can either feed it and make it grow or starve it and let it die. We can definitely control our actions of feeding or starving it.

Eg. I have a crush on a colleague. Butterflies in stomach, hearts-a-fluttering crush. Then I feed the crush... stalk his Facebook page (this part is fictitious... we didn't have Facebook yet at that time, otherwise I would've FB-stalked him :P). It grows. 

Feed it some more... we go on a date. It grows even more.

He proposes. It grows even bigger. 

We do up our house together. Growing, growing...

We plan the wedding together. Big big growth.

We discover a new passion together. Perform in theatre together. It grows even bigger. and bigger and bigger and bigger. We write a musical together...and we keep feeding and it keeps growing and growing and growing. Wheeeeee!!! But in this case, it is 2 people feeding it.

or

Eg. I have a crush on a colleague. Butterflies in stomach, hearts-a-fluttering crush. Then I feed the crush... stalk his Facebook page. It grows. I go back to life as normal. I rationalize since he was in Penang, I was in KL... it's geographically impractical right? Starved it. It weakens. Stop contacting him, only see him infrequently during meetings. Starve it. It weakens even more. I resigned from the organization and no longer see him even infrequently. It dies off. Habis cerita. Choose this option if your colleague is unavailable of course. hehehe. 

You can also feed a negative emotion and make yourself totally unhappy or starve it and snap out of it in due time. 

Eg. I am annoyed with my boss because he was rude due to a bad day. I feed it and complain to my colleague about him. It grows. Another colleague gossips about him about his work ethics, I add to her gossip by telling her about him being rude. More feeding. It grows. I feel to lazy to go to work and press snooze on my alarm 10x causing me to be late to work. I curse the traffic jam. Feeding, growing . I could not finish my work because I was late and had to stayback late and cancel my drinking night out with the girls. I curse the workload. Feeding, growing. In my bad mood, I was rude to a customer. The customer throws tantrum at me. It grows. I post a frustrated FB status and 100 friends "Like" it. It grew soooo big that I so hate this job, I shall resign ASAP!! Even my friends agree, right?? 

Do I end up happy even after many others justified my annoyance?? And yet, I've been guilty of feeding negative emotions before, many times.

or

I am annoyed with my boss because he was rude due to a bad day. I starve it and just do what he asked and quickly email to him so that he won't bother me. It weakens. Another colleague gossips about him and his work ethics, I just avoid her and go for lunch with other colleagues. It weakens more. The next day, ask boss out for lunch, chit-chat and found out his maid ran away yesterday and stole his family's stuff. Oh, no wonder bad mood. It dies off. No longer annoyed at boss or at job. Ta-da!

So, I promise myself if I have positive emotions... I shall consciously feed it, regularly. Just like feeding my cats, twice a day. heheh. And if I have negative emotions, I shall consciously remind myself to starve it, starve it till it dies. For me, I have a tendency to feed ALL emotions good or bad. @.@

So, I do have an on-off switch after all... no wonder I'm an actress. ;) ;)

A beachy break

Sawadeekah Phuket!

Hubby and I have just returned from a nice break in Phuket. It's been from one hectic production to the next. First Empress Wu: The Musical, then straight into EverWorld: The Musical. We've been looking forward to some "OFF" time together. Off from productions, off from work, and off from data roaming hehehe.

Our abode... cosy

swim swim swim!! 

Other than the heavenly Thai massages, everything else in Patong is horribly expensive. Food, shopping, transportation, excursions, etc etc. A regular meal at a kopitiam-ish place costs us about RM60!! Initially I thought I'm on sabbatical and is extra broke at this time, everything feels relatively more expensive... but even McDonald's costs about RM18-20 per medium combo meal. Bleh.

We had a wonderful time anyway, we both love Thai food... to da max!! And we both love massages. For RM25, you can get yourself an hour's worth of a full body Thai massage! Nice!!! Can get massages to our hearts' content! :) :) :)

We obviously ate to our hearts stomach's content!! We did minimal shopping only... it's not as satisfying or as good a bargain as shopping in Bangkok. 

burgers!!

mango sticky rice!

on the bus to Phuket Town

We took the long route to the airport via the public bus... other than costing us less than a taxi, it is always enchanting to take long routes because of what you see along the way; community of kampungs along the way, independent children taking the bus home on their own about 20km from their school, small vendors along the rural roads... just people living their simple lives reminding me how brattily spoilt I can be in the comfort of our blessed nation. Yup, we should always be thankful.

Thai food galore!! Hubs sure loves his tomyum & green curry!

all kinds of everything!!! YUM!

Time away from everyone and everything is always nice... and hubs brought his Dale shirt, the cute shirt he wore years ago at one fateful sales meeting in Lumut... when I first had a mini-crush on him. hehehe. Look what that crush has grown into!! ♥ ♥ ♥ 

see the resemblance??

Long live creativity!

"Picasso once said that all children are born artists. The trick is to remain an artist as we grow up. I believe this passionately: We don't grow into creativity; we grow out of it." ~ Sir Ken Robinson ~

Love the story about Gillian Lynne. Do watch the whole video... he makes so much sense. If you're more of a reader, go here to read the entire transcript.

I don't ever ever ever want to grow out of creativity.... EVER!!! ;-)

Almost famous?? ^_^

As I bask in the remaining few months of my life as a full-time arts practitioner... I too, shall bask and soak in whatever spotlight that I had managed to shamelessly grab for myself this year. It's been so much fun that time really flew... light-speed!!

Timeout Penang - Aug 2012

**For the link to the original article, click here

Female magazine - Nov 2012

**note: correction on this article, I am 34 & it was a year ago that I made the decision that drove my parents bonkers. hehehe. ;)